Funky Mood

So I don't know what it is about today but I'm in a really funky mood, one that I haven't been in in a long time. I think a lot of it has to do with that Tyler and I broke up a week and a day ago today. Even though he changed so much I still miss him like crazy!!! It is so weird going to bed at night not talking to him. I got so used to hearing the words "Goodnight my sweet muffin, I love you." before I went to bed and now I don't hear them anymore.

On Monday I talked with Tyler's mom for over an hour about everything. She was telling me that her and his dad have seen a big change in Tyler and they don't like it either. They are thinking that once he gets back to BG and moves into his apartment that things will go back to how they used to be. But I don't know if they will or not. I don't know if when he does come back what will happen with him and I. Yes I love him so much and want to be with him but I don't want to be with they Tyler he has become. Just like his mom said, we want our old Tyler back. She asked me to keep talking to him and text him everynow and then but I just don't know if I can or not. Or even if I should. When he broke up with me he used the line that all guys use "I hope that we can still be friends." Why would a guy say this??? As I told Tyler if I'm friends with you I will fall for you and harder than I did before.

There are times that I think that I'm not going to find someone to live my American dream with but then I know that God has someone out there for me and he just hasn't brought him into my life yet because he knows that I'm not ready. But then I think what if God has brought him into my life and I just over looked him??? Its all just so confusing. Why does love have to be this way?

When I was at Ichthus I got to see the rock band Skillet who i love!!! When I got back I downloaded their latest cd and hadn't really listened to it until the other day. While I was listening to it the song "Say Goodbye" came on and I stopped what I was doing and listened to hit because it hit hard for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TuEUxuWR0I

Things had been fine with us before he moved back to Priceton for the summer and then once he did things changed. I would remember him always telling me that we could make it, we were going to be fine during the summer, its just 3 months baby...... For some reason deep down inside of me I knew we wouldn't and this would end up happening.....

Even though we had only been dating for 5 months (7 if you count when we started talking) he already knew me more than anyone else did. He knew my dreams and so much more. We even brought up marriage some. There is one day that I will always remember.... We were hanging out one night and decided to come back to campus and sit at the top of the hill over looking the city. It was so pretty because it was right at sunset and the city lights were coming on below us. We had been talking about what we wanted to do with our lives when we got out of college and all. I was telling him my dreams of becoming a teacher and having a classroom of my own. And how I wanted to get married and be a stay at home mom and just different things like that. Tyler hadn't been saying but and I asked him if everything was okay. He turned to me and said "Can I just go ahead and marry you now?" I didn't think that he was being serious but he really was. He had told me that I was everything he wanted and more in a wife. And now I look back at that memory and don't see how in the world I could have had that special moment with the man that he has become today. Oh how I want that Tyler back.....